Dig up your garden to a depth of 8ft and line the pit with sandbags. These should keep out any TV, radio or internet signals which all contain high levels of baby bullshit.
Cover the top of the pit with decking, which will make it look like a normal garden and deter any Sky reporters from visiting to ‘get your reaction’ to the birth.
Grab tinned food, bottled water and a firearm. Get into the bunker as quickly as possible, otherwise neighbours may force you to attend a celebratory tea party.
Friends or relatives may appear, desperately demanding entry to your shelter and perhaps trying to claw their way in. But it’s too late for them, they are already contaminated and are thinking about nothing except whether the baby will be called George or Albert. Use deadly force if necessary.
The next part is a waiting game. To keep your morale up, try to remember what life was like before the royal baby, when people were still slightly interested in other things.
The hardest part is knowing when to emerge. Lift the decking just enough to see out and look for warning signs like bunting, commemorative floral displays and people wearing Union Jack suits with giant papier-mache baby heads.
