Weiner discusses issues
Sydney Leathers transcript of one of her phone sex conversations with "Carlos Danger"
WEINER: Hellloooooo.
ME: Hi.
WEINER: So…what am I wearing?
ME: Uh, clothes?
WEINER: Oh, sorry. I meant what are you wearing. Sorry, I’m a little distracted. I’m kind of a big deal in taking up the world’s shelf space of words in these interview things.
ME: Mmmm. That’s…sexy?
WEINER: Yes, a big deal. The Weiner is a big deal.
ME: So not like a a Vienna sausage then.
WEINER: Oh, no. (evil chuckle) More like a giant bratwurst. It plumps when you touch it. Want me to send a pic?
ME: S’okay. I get the idea.
WEINER: Anyway, what are you wearing?
ME: Sweatpants.
WEINER: No, no. You’re wearing heels..and, and…yoga pants, and…one of those bras that’s kind of like a half-assed bra with the top missing to show just a peek of…and gloves like…
ME: Well, the sweats are a little tight, I’ve been off pilates a while so…
WEINER: Can I finish? And black gloves, like opera gloves, but they go way up, like ridiculously way up, maybe to your ears.
ME: Ears. Okay. Mmmm…yes?
WEINER: Yes, and your legs, I’m rubbing them, but only because I’m your government doctor and I’m checking for circulatory issues.
ME: Circulatory issues? No I’m healthy, I run to the cupcake store every…
WEINER: Do you mind? I didn’t interrupt you, so don’t interrupt me!
(SFX: phone click as I switch to speakerphone)
WEINER: Okay, and so I’m rubbing, lightly, but firmly, you know?
(a beat)
WEINER: Hello?
SFX: (my washing machine being loaded)
ME: I’m here. Go on.
(SFX: Water filling the wash tub)
WEINER: Good! So lightly but firmly.
ME: Uh-huh.
WEINER: It’s like I’m your friend, but really I totally control you. I’m the government, also a bratwurst.
ME: Right. You’re at the controls. Turning the dial. All the way to spin cycle.
WEINER: What? No, no no. Shut up. Oh, I get it. You can’t hear me because you have gloves on your ears. So anyway, there’s a lot of rubbing and your hips are moving. I’m smiling, kind of like the joker.
ME: Yeah. Okay. Do you know how to get lipstick out of…
WEINER: Let me finish! …And hiiiigher……Oh…oh………………….OOHHHHHHH!!!
(a long beat)
WEINER CONT’D” Hello?
ME: Are you finished?
WEINER: Mmhmm.
ME: Fuckin’ bleach trap. It’s so inaccurate. I mean seriously. Shouldn’t there be some kind of regulation on that shit?
(SFX: dial tone)