The Alternate Headline is ...

[metalman]

Climate change has created a mutant pufferfish, a poisonous Japanese delicacy that can cost up to $120 per pound and sometimes kill a person in as little as a few hours


Alternate Headline:

Pufferfish opportunistic mating produces hybrids that increase the danger of eating a deadly toxic fish!

prices for this new hybrid fugu delicacy expected to skyrocket!

 

[metalman]

Iowa Democrats fill events to the rafters with 13 months left before the 2020 caucuses

Alternate Headline:
When candidates use a small event room they can fill it "to the rafters"

 

[metalman]

The 10 most shocking revelations from the Operation Varsity Blues scandal court docs

Alternate Headline:
FBI swat team arrests: rich parents of college applicants pretending to be athletes so they can pretend to be students

I'm so old I remember when only athletes pretended to be students

 

[metalman]

The 10 most shocking revelations from the Operation Varsity Blues scandal court docs

Alternate Headline:
FBI swat team arrests: rich parents of college applicants pretending to be athletes so they can pretend to be students

I'm so old I remember when only athletes pretended to be students

After donating 70 million to the school, rap icon Dr. Dre boasts about his daughter getting into USC ‘all on her own’

 

[metalman]

Earth Hour: Cities Around the World Turn Off Lights in Reminder About Climate Change

Alternate Headline:
North Korea is so Woke it Turns off lights Every Night in Reminder About Climate Change

except for one house

 

[metalman]

All knives stolen from Avon and Somerset Police knife amnesty bin

Alternate Headline:
Edged weapons with someone else's fingerprints popular with recycler's

 

[metalman]

Bodycam footage shows police fatally shooting unarmed woman, 24, they mistook for an attempted murder suspect - but officers are cleared of wrongdoing

Alternate Headline:
Woman fatally shot after a nine-mile high-speed car chase in a stolen car, then ramming police vehicles in an attempt to flee the scene
at one point driving against traffic without the headlights on

"Vasquez' family have raised more than $6,000 to cover the cost of her funeral via a GoFundMe page, and vowed they would 'get justice' for the 24-year-old, describing her as a 'vibrant and beautiful soul' with an infectious smile"

 

[metalman]

Trump’s ‘truly bizarre’ visit to Mt. Vernon

Alternate Headline:
Trump tells some jokes while touring Mt. Vernon
On a tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump said: "If he was smart, he would’ve put his name on it. You’ve got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." Mount Vernon CEO Doug Bradburn, told the president that Washington did, after all, succeed in getting the nation’s capital named after him. Good point, Trump said with a laugh

many things seem "bizarre" if you don't get that other people are joking!
One of the effects of TDS is total loss of a sense of humor.

Doug Bradburn failed to point out that George Washington sent a govt emissary to Europe to actively market his Mt Vernon farm production to buyers in Europe, violating the emoluments clause.
This is now an precedent setting example of the emoluments clause not applying to the President of the United States.

 

[metalman]

U.S. Attorney: Professor Spent $190,000 Of Research Grant Funds At Strip Clubs

Drexel University voluntarily disclosed the improper charges to eight federal grants for energy and naval technology research

Alternate Headline:
Professor confuses naval research with navel research, spends $190k at strip club

 

[metalman]

N.H.-Bound Coal Train Kept Rolling, Despite Activists On The Tracks


Alternate Headline:
Finalists for the Darwin Awards spotted on railroad tracks, lose game of chicken with train

the flaw in their plan was they didn't link arms across the tracks. That works every time.


The train is fine

 

[metalman]

The OCRC is the only place you can buy the drug in Ontario legally. It operates under the Ontario Cannabis Store brand. They reported profits of $64 million for the year ending March 31st, 2019, but racked up expenses of $106 million

Alternate Headline:

Government would lose money running a two story brothel, too much {bleep} overhead

vs

Colorado surpasses $1 billion in marijuana tax revenue

 

[metalman]

'Friendly' Zetas vs Gulf cartel prison soccer match ends in a bloodbath with 16 dead after fight over a dirty tackle escalated into a gun battle

Alternate Headline:

Soccer match goes to "Penalty Shootout" 16 dead