a man walks into a bar ...

metalman

metalman

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... down on his luck. He finds a comfortable stool near the end of the bar, but he cannot help but notice a tiny little upright piano to his left, on top of the bar, and a corked crystal bottle to his right, decked out with fancy filigrees and ensconced in a velvet-lined display.

After he orders his drink, and takes a swig, incredibly, he sees a tiny little man — one foot tall, exactly — climb up onto the bar, seat himself in front of the tiny piano, and begin playing Rachmaninoff.

the bartender sees his shock and interrupts him… “Before you ask, would you like to rub our Magic Whiskey Bottle? There’s a genie inside, he’s very old ... and his hearing isn’t what it used to be, but he will grant each newcomer to the bar, "exactly one wish!”

So the man rubs the bottle, and a genie appears in a cloud of smoke.

The man politely asks the genie for "a hundred thousand bucks".

Immediately, and to the sound of Rachmaninoff’s 2nd Piano Concerto, being played, quite surreality, on a tiny piano ... the entire bar is filled with ducks. Mallards, Blue-winged Teals, Widgeons, Gadwalls — you name it, making a tremendous racket.

Incredulous and quite disappointed, the man yells to the bartender, over the symphony of ducks and classical piano, “I DIDN’T ASK FOR TEN THOUSAND DUCKS!!!”

The bartender yells back, “SO??? I DIDN’T ASK FOR A TWELVE-INCH PIANIST EITHER!”
 
***
A group of women from the Womens temperance Movement enters a bar and addresses the patrons .

‘The food and drink that you put into your stomachs is enough to have killed most of you sitting here, years ago. Red meat is a major source of dietary cholesterol. It is the first food that medical doctors advise should be only eaten in moderation .... Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, disolve the enamel on your teeth, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets cause heart attacks ...

but, there is one food that is the most dangerous of all, and that is the "daemon rum" you are all drinking here now!

Can anyone here tell me any food or drink item that causes more grief and suffering then the "daemon rum"??

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man standing at the bar picked up his beer mug, took a big drink, set it down, he looked at the women and replied

"Wedding Cake."

***
 
***
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
***
 
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***

A man walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes"
The man at the end of the bar says" I object to that remark".
the first man says "Why, are you a lawyer?"
the second man replies "No, I'm an A-hole"

***
 
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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After spending $180,000 and one year on research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.

After spending $250,000.00 and three years on research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After spending $75.46 to buy beer and one day on research, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the additional Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s $150.”
 
A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He was in his mid nineties.
He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.
He presented a very well looked after image, Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.
He orders a drink.
He takes a sip.
He slowly turns to her and says, So tell me, do I come here often?”
 
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies,”No, I haven’t found Jesus!” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?” The drunk answers,
“No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
 
Every answer is correct :p

Q-1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle


Q-2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page


Q-3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid


Q-4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage


Q-5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams


Q-6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner


Q-7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half


Q-8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* Wet

Q-9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night


Q-10.. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.


Q-11.. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q-12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q-13.. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
 
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with a big chest.'

boobs3.jpg




The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with a big chest? Why kill her?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’
 
If the number 666 is evil,

then

25.806975801112 is the root of all evil
 
The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging


X is always ten
 
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”


She said I wasn’t funny; but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favorite.


I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal’s office.


He laughed and told me not to do it again.


I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.


I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…


 
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