a man walks into a bar ...

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Man walks into a bar.
orders 'Ten shots of whiskey , your cheapest brand, line 'em up.'
Bartender fills ten whiskey shot glasses
Man reaches out, picks up the glass on the far left, and the one on the far right.
He turns and dumps the two glasses of whiskey on the floor, he then drinks the remaining shots.
Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks "why did you do that??"
Man replies 'Experience. The first one tastes awful and the last one makes makes me vomit.'
 
An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub and promptly ordered three beers.
The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone.
The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time.
Soon the entire town was whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to be prying but folks around here are wonderin why your always order three beers and drink them alone?".
"Tis a wee bit odd I would be supposin" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other went to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order two extra beers, whenever we would partake, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with his answer and with the reverence for family and soon 'The Man Who Orders Three Beers' became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet.

Then one day the man came in and ordered only two beers.
The bartender served them with a heavy heart. Word flew around the hamlet quickly. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the man came in and again, ordered only two beers.
the bartender said to the man, "folks around here, me first of all, want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother"
The man made a sign of the cross and replied, " You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 
A man was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course on a sunny Friday morning, when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.


The first said that he usually played alone because he wasn't a very good golfer, but agreed to the twosome as long as the second man agreed that he would not swear while they played.


They played the first two holes and were tied. The second man said, "Seems we're about evenly matched, how about we make a bet to make this game more interesting? Five bucks a hole?"


The first man replied that he considered playing golf an analogy of life, sin and redemption, something you should never wager over, but agreed to the terms.


The second man then won each of the remaining sixteen holes with ease. The first man missed many putts by the merest of slivers. But not one swear word was uttered as they played.

As they were walking off the eighteenth hole, the second man was cheerfully holding his $80.00 and confessed that he was actually the pro at a neighboring golf course, and intentionally played poorly the first two holes to get him to agree to the bet.


The first man then revealed that he was a nearby Parish Priest.


The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.


The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to wager with you, I learned a lesson of life from a sinner, keep your winnings."


The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could redeem your self by coming to Mass on Sunday. And, if you bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them"

 
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you’ re from California if:

1. Your coworker tells you she has 8 body piercings but only 3 are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked that two people are having a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, a tattoo and is named Flower.
5. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and insist you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You schedule an appointment with your doctor to get your medical marijuana card.
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can’t remember . . . . are you taking marijuana for medical or recreational purposes?
14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.
16. It’s drizzling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot legal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19 The Terminator was your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they give you one.

 
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.


The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 

Man goes into a bar in New York City where the bartenders are robots


The man sits down at the bar and the robot asks, "What will you have?"
Man replies, "Whiskey"
The robot returns with his drink, and asks, "What is your IQ?"
Man replies, "125"
The robot then engages in a conversation about physics, space exploration and archaeology.


After the man leaves, he thinks about what just happened, and is curious about the conversation programing of the robots
So he decides to return to the bar

The robot asks, "What will you have?"
Man replies, "Whiskey"
The robot returns with his drink, and asks, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man replies, "100"
The robot then engages in a conversation about football, basketball, baseball, NASCAR and wrestling

The man finishes his drink and leaves, but decides he must return and test one more data point

He enters the bar and orders a "Whiskey"
The robot returns with his drink, and asks, "What is your IQ?"
This time the Man replies, "75"
The robot leans over and whispers to the man, "Isn't it terrible how the Russians prevented Hillary from campaigning in Wisconsin?"
 
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and a ... ... ... ... cola"
Bartender: "Why the big pause?"
The bear shrugs, "I'm not sure, I was born with them!"
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate replies, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
 
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