a man walks into a bar ...
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An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking.
‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?”
Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking.
‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”
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An atheist is rowing a small boat across a lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness Monster raises its huge neck out of the water and roars at the man. The atheist, terrified, screams, "Oh God, help me!"
Suddenly, everything freezes, the clouds part, and a deep voice rumbles from above, "So, all your life, you have denied My existence, but now you call upon Me for help?"
The atheist yells back, "Give me a break, God! Thirty seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!"
Suddenly, everything freezes, the clouds part, and a deep voice rumbles from above, "So, all your life, you have denied My existence, but now you call upon Me for help?"
The atheist yells back, "Give me a break, God! Thirty seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!"
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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich, and walks up to the counter. “I’ll have a dry martini.” He says.
The ostrich then says “I’ll have the same.”
They drank their drinks and when it came time to pay, the man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out exact cash and change for the waitress. She takes it.
The next day, the same man and ostrich walk into the bar. This time, the man says “I’ll have two beers.”.
The ostrich yet again says “I’ll have the same.”
When it gets time to pay, the man gives the waitress exact cash and change, and they both walk out.
This goes on for an entire week, until one day when he pulls out the cash and change for the waitress, she asks “how do you always pull out the exact amount for your order without looking?”.
The man replies “I had a genie that gave me two wishes. The first was that whenever I needed to pay for something I could pull out the exact change for it out of my pocket.”
The waitresses eyes widen “wow, that’s so smart! But... what was the second wish?” She asks
The man looked over to the ostrich “I wished for a chick with long legs that would agree with everything I say.”
The ostrich then says “I’ll have the same.”
They drank their drinks and when it came time to pay, the man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out exact cash and change for the waitress. She takes it.
The next day, the same man and ostrich walk into the bar. This time, the man says “I’ll have two beers.”.
The ostrich yet again says “I’ll have the same.”
When it gets time to pay, the man gives the waitress exact cash and change, and they both walk out.
This goes on for an entire week, until one day when he pulls out the cash and change for the waitress, she asks “how do you always pull out the exact amount for your order without looking?”.
The man replies “I had a genie that gave me two wishes. The first was that whenever I needed to pay for something I could pull out the exact change for it out of my pocket.”
The waitresses eyes widen “wow, that’s so smart! But... what was the second wish?” She asks
The man looked over to the ostrich “I wished for a chick with long legs that would agree with everything I say.”
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CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
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CALLER:
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GOOGLE:
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GOOGLE:
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GOOGLE:
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GOOGLE:
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CALLER:
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GOOGLE:
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CALLER:
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GOOGLE:
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CALLER:
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GOOGLE:
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CALLER:
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GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...